Is Satan a Nigerian?

Hi guys... how's your weekend going. I need to get a few things off my chest, need to ask a few questions.. so the following is more of ''me asking than me concluding'', before i get labeled an unbeliever...                        

Ever since I can remember, growing up as a child, I have always asked the question ''where exactly is Satan from?'' Is Satan an American.. considering the number of problems they face as a people.. countries wanting to fight them all the time, a lot of their citizens suicidal. Or is he German.. since Adolf Hitler was from there, or maybe he’s from the middle-east.. a relation of Osama Bin-laden.

Lately I have began to conclude that this Satan dude could actually be Nigerian, I just need to identify the exact tribe he hails from.

My suspicion began with the release of the 2008 Range Rover sports, ''devil's caravan'' as my friend calls it, has infiltrated into the hearts of young people in my country making them think of nothing else but driving this vehicle or dating someone who owns one. A new form of addiction, worse than crack. I truly feel Satan is from around here and is using his ''caravan'' to control the minds of foolish young Nigerians.

I drove into a petrol station a couple of months back, while filling my tank, there was this very pretty damsel standing just across the fuel-station waiting for a bus.. There was instant adult-rated chemistry between us, and from the way we stared at each other, even a blind man could see the biology building up. I suddenly looked down at my wedding band, wondering for a split second what I was thinking when I took those vows.. ‘till death do us part’, I was very much alive and willing to let it all go at the sight of this definition of God’s good work. I hurried the fuel attendant who wondered what the fuss was about as I hastily closed my tank, jumped into my car and did an 007 manoeuvre, heading towards my future which at that moment looked very bright.. FREEZE

WATCH OUT FOR PART TWO.

Part two.

Sorry.. Thought I was still directing home-videos, anyway.. Just as I approached Halle Berry.. Counting the yards as they closed in, with a smile on her face and mine.. something suddenly blocks me off and I step hard on the brakes.. Pushing my head backwards to get a good view of what the barrier was, behold.. it’s a Range Rover sports.. I exhaled, a bit angry with the dude in the Range for almost hitting me.

A smile crosses my face as I see the girl come out from behind the range rover which was now parked between her and my humble automobile.

My smile suddenly disappears as she stops and jumps into the intruder-vehicle.

I sat there confused and watching Satan drive off with my dream.. At that moment, if you could look at me through a magnifying-glass, you’ll see smoke inside my car and two little horns sticking out of my head.. I had just been converted.. ''I gotta get me one of those'', Was the only thought in my head.

There are so many instances I can give you to authenticate my story that Satan actually resides in Nigeria, but I’ll just paint you one more scenario.

 Have you ever wondered why there are more pretty girls in Nigerian churches than any where else in the world?

A long time ago before too many fake churches invited Satan into the country, there were more old and ugly women in church services than we have today.. Suddenly a large influx of fine girls and working class women searching for husband took all the seats in church, the old and ugly ones decided to move to  less funky churches like the Anglican and Assembles of God churches, where space was still available.

 On the 1^st of October 2009, during the Nigerian independence day celebration in Lagos, I was driving down Oregun road, when I suddenly came upon traffic hold-up, believe it or not we were on a stand-still for over one-hour. I kept wondering what the cause of such serious traffic on a work free day could be.. Until I suddenly looked ahead with a slight mischievous smile crossing my face.. A herd of beautiful young ladies in their hundreds passed me on the other lane.. I looked at my watch a bit confused trying to make out the date.. Could today be ''fine girls day'', or is there a sign somewhere that says ''give-way to fine girls crossing''.

It wasn’t until I saw a plaque they carried above them that read ‘bla-bla embassy’, that I realized these were the female congregation of a church.

Can someone please tell me why the members of this church will not continue to grow in number. Suddenly, I heard a voice saying, ''get out of your car and join them Martin!'' but the face of Pope Benedict frowning at me brought me back to my senses, I was almost ''d'catholiced''.

Now tell me why Satan will not move from hell fire to Nigeria, with things like these walking the streets.

 I strongly feel God is angry with us in Nigeria because we are harbouring Satan.. think about it, that’s probably why everything works the opposite direction in this part of the world.

There is hardly electricity in our dear nation but your bills are constant..

Have you ever had the problem of not being in town for a few months and coming back to crazy set of light bills waiting for you? This is the funny part.. In June, July and August,  you were out of the country, and all the electrical appliances in your house were duly turned off.. On return in September, your light bill is about twenty-one thousand Naira, running at an average cost of seven thousand Naira a month, which is about what you use when you are in town.. The question is, could some homeless people have invaded your locked apartment and partied there and used up all that electricity while you were away... Or just maybe, you mistakenly got your neighbour's light bill?  Anyway, while you are still surprised and busy trying to resolve what could have gone wrong, if you’d care to look out the window.. You will see some phoney looking individuals pulling off your power cables from the electric pole.. Do not fret, they really are Power officials.. Its just a look that comes with working in that establishment. By the time you get outside to try talking some sense into these characters, you would have just started the second part of your life.. ‘the part that nothing you say seems to make sense anymore’. The only answer you’ll get from these strange looking fellows, will be.. ''You have to come to the office to talk to our manager!''. When they said manager, I’m sure you’ll expect to meet someone who would see things from a more sensible perspective… Remember when I said things work backwards? This is the answer you will get from the manager, which will mark the third part of your life.. ''The part where you get confused and end up sounding mad''.

      The manager’s answer to your question.. ''Oga, there is really nothing I can do, you have to settle the bill first before we can do anything''. Are you with me? Don’t worry, if you are lost, I’ll understand.

Another instance.. have you ever been stopped by Road-safety in this country?

      You are driving down a not so busy road in your pretty saloon car, as you look up ahead there is a pot-hole in the middle of the road and you immediately reduce your speed, suddenly from nowhere some uniformed guy jumps out and shouts.. ''Park!'' Surprised you regard him for a second or two and decide to obey, as a good citizen.. You roll down your window and the officer regards you briefly, finally he says.. ''Good afternoon, please can I see your drivers licence?'' You hesitate, bringing it out from somewhere in the car and handing it over to the guy who doesn’t even look at it but moves back and says, ''Can I see your fire extinguisher and c-caution!'' A bit angry but still trying to let him do his job, you alight your car going over to the back to open your booth where your extinguisher and others are, at this point the scoundrel is moping at your driver’s licence like an old woman. He sees your c-caution and fire extinguisher, now he looks your car over, telling you to turn on your headlamps. To cut the long story short, you get penalised for something as ridiculous as your car music system not functioning properly.

From the onset this safety patrol loony just needed something to get cash off you.. His job is actually suppose to be more ''advisory'' but of course he is more interested in what you don’t have or haven’t  done, so he can collect money. In all there is absolutely no real explanation of what you have done wrong or why its wrong, all you remember is how you stood in line at some bank to pay money into road safety purse for not.. Well.. Actually doing anything wrong. 

 My brother do not think anything is wrong with you.. On the contrary.. it’s the backwards situation.. Maybe that’s why some of them turkey coloured fellows called us third-world, because they didn’t want to be rude and call us backward.

I guess the devil himself wonders sometimes if he is really the one doing all this. 

Give me a bit, i have a party happening next door... ''Drivers Licence.. check! International passport...check! Birth certificate... check''. Wouldn't want to end up at some police-station somewhere explaining why I'm dancing at my neighbour's house without a drivers Licence. You never know mate!