Sex simplified

The following does not in any shape or form describe or depict my character, just fiction that brings to life a relatively vivid portrayal of the subject matter.

A lot of people don’t seem to understand what sex really is, some say it’s ''the art of love making'', some believe it’s a way to make babies, others believe it’s the easiest way to make money.

I don’t think the women who feel you can make money through sex are prostitutes, they are just practical.. Like they say, use what you have to get what you want. Directly or indirectly, we all pay for sex, think about it for a minute.. After having sex with your girl friend, you pay money buying her that dress she asked you for a week ago, how come she satisfied you this much the night you received your salary? She did everything.. The works! I’m sure at some point, you even felt she was someone else.

It also happens with wives, they always act like sex is only to make babies, then you get paid for that contract and boom! You come home that night, your wife transforms into a sex freak, dressed like something you saw on your last trip to Holland. You don’t forget that night for a very long time because apart from the monstrous satisfaction she gave you, a large amount of money exchanged hands for that her trip to

Venice, ''a dog eat puppy situation'' my brethren.

Now for that girl you call ‘slut’, she is actually the only one who goes straight to the point and tells you, ‘you can have me for the right price’.

     Anyhow you look at it, cash must drop my people!

I fell victim once to the money after sex trap.

As a sharp fellow that I am who grabs every opportunity I get, I finished a shoot at some location I used at Victoria Garden City, just as I was walking to my car, I heard, ‘excuse me’, turning round.. There stood this perfect definition of  ''what a man’s fantasy should be’ according to the book of Kamasutra, chapter six verse six''. The only words that could whistle out of my mouth was ''Emm.. Good Eve.'', she smiled knowing deep inside her heart that she had caught this one. ‘hi, sorry to come up to you like this, I’m Sophie..’, stretching out a hand which I quickly grabbed with a smile that lined all the way up to my ear. ’I’m Martin..’. there was a sudden breeze of silence and she said in a soft voice. ‘By any chance are you going anywhere near the mainland?’. without hesitation I replied.. ‘yep!’. she smiled again, ‘can I join you please.. Getting a cab out of this place is like hell…

Anyway, to shorten the story, half an hour later we were half way to the mainland. It started raining seriously just as we drove into Ikeja and of course I offered to take her to my place which was closest to us, she agreed to my surprise and a joyful song could be heard if you put your ear close to my chest.

 Stretched out on my 6 by 6 with a broad smile, I felt like I had just won the lottery and even if the world ended now, well.. I’m good.

I turned left to face who I thought was my prey.. She had an alley-cat smile on her face with a gaze that spelt ready-for-whatever-more.

I touched her hand gently, expecting a smile at least but her gaze did not falter, her eyes pierced coldly into mine, making me uneasy.

 Out of fear and concern I asked in my usual caring manner, ‘Is anything wrong?’. She hesitated then asked me in a very soft but precise voice, ‘what just happened?’. The question sounded a bit odd, coming from someone who ‘got to her destination thrice in a role’.  A bit confused, I replied, ‘You didn’t like it?’. She let out a smile and said.. ‘You are the first guy I’m making love to without proper negotiation’.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was, especially when she was threatening to carry my television with two of my neighbours trying to stop her. I’d never felt this used and humiliated before.

For me sex is a bit overrated, men talk about it with boyish excitement in their eyes and a grin that spells waywardness.. I have tried to justify this temporary madness to no end. I mean.. a man is ready to fly a woman into Nigeria all the way from the United kingdom just for a few minutes of pleasure and after the main course, dessert begins to taste sour.. that’s when it dawns on you that you have spent over three thousand pounds for sex only and to be frank, she wasn’t worth it after all. You suddenly begin to see the stretch marks and age-lines on your import-good, from that moment, regret sets in, your mother suddenly crosses your mind, she had asked you for something as little as twenty thousand naira which is less than a hundred pounds amongst other reasonable expenditures that these funds could have been put into. A wave of dislike suddenly overwhelms you and from that time to when “a taxi” takes her to the airport in you ‘deportative’ state of mind, everything she says begins to irritate you, even ordering water from room service becomes annoying. Your ears suddenly opens to her accent and the UK lingua begins to sound South-African and your language comes into your mouth ''kedi ife onye a na akogheri'' (what is she talking about).

Just my thoughts... what do you think?